DIFFERENT WAYS TO SHARE LOVE, LIKING, LINKING AND FRIENDSHIP
A good friendship is not one that is free of conflict or disagreement.
friendship where, when a problem surfaces, the friends
· comfortable for both
· work for both
How do you express love or a close friendship?
Everyone has an unconscious list of what we think are the best ways to show someone else we "love" them, "like" them, "appreciate" them or just enjoy their friendship and being with them. The trouble is that these ways are seldom identical for both people.
In his book "The Five Love Languages" Gary Chapman explains how different people have different expectations of the ways they think are the best for expressing love, liking or friendship. If two people are using different ‘languages' then messages of love and friendship can easily be lost in translation.
I feel Chapman's list of only five such languages is a bit too brief. I'm inclined to add quite a few more ways that people link together in friendship or relationships, and I've included these in my list below. However I acknowledge that it's still based on his five "languages" and what he describes rather well as the primary Friendship/Love Languages:
1. Sharing words and actions that express friendship/love
2. Sharing Quality time
3. Sharing gifts
4. Sharing Acts of service
5. Sharing Physical touch
So what happens if whatever you think and feel are the "right" or the “true” ways to express love and friendship are seriously out of line with what the other person thinks or feels is the "right" or the “true” ways for them? At the very least there are going to be problems with translation between the two friends. At worst one or both people might begin questioning the quality of the linkage and therefore the friendship.
There is no doubt that there are certain things each of us hope (or expect) people will do and say when they are connecting with us. The sad part is if they really do care a great deal about you, but that their way of expressing this just doesn't match up with your expectations. They are probably just doing what they believe they should be doing, to show you their deepest and most affectionate feelings of friendship. But sadly they are using a "different language" to tell you about their friendship with you or how they like or love you.
Meanwhile you can be mistranslating at your end too. What happens if whatever you expect doesn't occur? If you, misinterpret what they're saying or doing you may end up feeling that you are less of a friend in the eyes of that other person. But what you think and feel and predict, may or may not be accurate. Remember, they still think they are expressing friendship in the way that has the most meaning for them.
Unless you tell them about the problem, whatever the other person is saying or doing will continue to be based on their idea of what they think are the most important ways to express love or friendship.
My list of the Friendship languages
Here’s what it seems to me are a few of the things we need to do to communicate positive feelings about how we link with the other person whether it’s our friends or about a deeper relationship.
I like to think and talk about (and look at) these issues in terms of how they help enhance long term ‘friendships’ as well as ‘relationships.’ Obviously only a very special friendship is likely to include all or most of the different kinds of linkages described below. First I should explain that to me, a good relationship is just a friendship that’s moved to a higher and deeper plane. Each time another kind of linkage is added it enriches the friendship as it grows and the level of commitment becomes much more profound but “if it ain’t a good friendship underneath, then it ain’t a good relationship.”
One small drawback is that once you are aware of all these kinds of linkage you may begin to notice that some of your friends are not using as the same languages as you are using. I hope that this article might make it easier for you to talk to them about this.
On the other hand once you are aware of the range of different linking languages you may find some of your friendships growing, strengthening, and developing in new and deeper ways than in the past.
Each one of the connections or linkages (listed below) should help develop a deeper and more lasting friendship or relationship.
However each kind of linkage is optional and a matter of personal choice, You’ll also notice how each type of linkage though different seems to work in combination with other kinds. Each one helps enhance some of the others.
Obviously, it works best when both friends agree that they like using the same kind of linkage language, but it can still help if only one person uses it and the other person doesn't really feel the need for it. Keeping this in mind, it's important that you don't use this list to judge or criticise a partner. There are no right or wrong ways of communicating love and friendship, just ways that differ from person to person.
DIFFERENT WAYS TO SHARE LOVE, LIKING, LINKING AND FRIENDSHIP
B. TRUST TRUSTWORTHINESS AND LOYALTY
C. PROTECTING AND RESPECTING THE OTHER PERSON’S FREEDOM AND INDIVIDUALITY
D. SHARING QUALITY TIME
Enjoying being together
E. PERSONAL LINKAGES
Emotional and feeling
F. PHYSICAL LINKING
Shared activities (the
active, doing things together linkages)
G. THE MIND CONNECTION.
Shared interests (the
“interested together” linkages)
PROBLEM SOLVING AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
(a very special linkage)
I. SEXUALITY and INTIMACYysical
intimacy (sharing private or personal sexual information but not acting it
I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU ABOUT LOVE ....
I am still writing these notes, so if you can help me by adding some more suggestions (the ones that matter most for you) please e-mail me with your special ‘thing’ email@example.com
Quote from ‘Crimes andMisdemeanours’ Script by Woody Allen. In the movie, one of the fictional characters, Professor Louis Levy, explains:
...... what we are aiming at when we are in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that when we fall in love we are seeking to re-find some or all of the people to whom we were attached as children.
On the other hand we also ask our new beloved to correct all the wrongs that these earlier parents and siblings inflicted on us.
So that Love contains in it the contradiction that we attempt to return to the past and (at the same time) we are attempting to undo the past.
In a relationship we may be desperately chasing after reminders of things we want to forget from our childhood. We may be almost as busy in the same relationship, avoiding the gifts we missed out on as children
Making Your Relationships Work - What is Love? What is commitment? What is the difference ?
Choosing Between Personal and Impersonal Channels -
Personal and impersonal styles in a relationship
The fable of the two codependents
Feedback - please e-mail me John Bligh Nutting - at firstname.lastname@example.org
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