Jack and Jill are At it Again

Fights where inner matriarchs and inner patriarchs take over  and destroy everything

Have you recently had a really unpleasant fight with a close friend or your partner? How bad was it? Did it end with one or both of you feeling overwhelmingly devastated, powerless, totally alone or abandoned?

Or did one of you choose to leave the battlefield by departing or disappearing?

Did you feel "demolished" that is feeling as though you had absolutely nothing left in the way of resources to keep the battle going?

Or as you watched the other person going through the experience of devastation, helplessness, pain and abandonment, did you feel a sense of guilt, believing that you were responsible for this?

If you already understand something about the part of you inside that is often described as your "inner child" you may have been able to recognise that many of these feelings were coming directly from that young and very vulnerable part of you.

If you answered "yes" to even a few of these questions that suggests that what was going on was almost certainly a particular kind of destructive battle. And not just one of the ordinary everyday struggles between ordinary inner selves who get into conflict because they have opposite points of view.

This kind of battle (no, it's more like a fight to the death) is more common when two people are in a closely connected relationship. However, everything that I describe below can apply to a battle between a man and woman, or just as much between two men or two women fighting with each other. If the outcomes are seriously painful and similar to those described above then you can suspect that four very powerful and very complex characters who live in our inner villages will be involved, two from each person's inner village.

Men have two in their village, an inner matriarch and an inner patriarch.

Women have two in their village, an inner patriarch and an inner matriarch.

For a start it's important to know a bit about these particular characters. They differ in a number of ways from the usual characters who live and work in our inner village.

Characteristics of the inner patriarch

The overriding characteristics of the inner patriarch is that even when he sets up his house inside a woman's village is loyalty is to the men around her and to maintaining their power and control over all women, the way they think and act and feel. His overriding loyalty is towards the male hierarchy and the male dominated patriarchal lifestyle. Typically, you will observe an inner patriarch taking the side of another man or another patriarch living nearby in another person's inner village, in preference to the woman in whose village he has set up his house.

So, like the inner matriarch he is different from other Inner inner selves (inner selves) , in that he does not seem to be concerned with the well-being of the wounded female inner child in the village where she lives. He will do nothing to assist in empowering other female inner selves (inner selves) who live there. Rather he will do everything he can to keep them from feeling any sense of power, or ability.

In a way it's as though he is carrying within him a deep-seated almost cellular fear, a fear that goes back more than 40,000 years to the earliest days of civilisation when females were regarded as having more power than males. (Because of their perceived superior ability to connect spiritually to the sky and the earth and their ability to bear children.)
Typically his attitude is one of  fear of women in power (a fear which he sees as reasonable and justifiable) and a need therefore to disempower all women. To maintain control over females to ensure that all her life she will continue to adhere to male rules and male systems is the patriarch's way of reducing his fear. The fact that a wounded inner child is a female is sufficient reason stir the fear of her innate power and this is spurs the inner patriarch into action.

Note: If you can get hold of a copy of Sidra Stone' s wonderful book "The Shadow King" you can find out a great deal more about your own Inner patriarch, how it acts and what it thinks and says.

Characteristics of the inner matriarch.

The overriding characteristics of the inner matriarch is that even when she sets up her house inside a manís inner village, she remains scornful of men, all men, the way they think and act and feel. Her overriding loyalty is towards women. Typically, an inner matriarch will take the side of another woman or another inner matriarch living nearby in another person's inner village, in preference to the male in whose village she has set up her house.

So, she is unlike other inner selves, because she does not seem to be concerned with the well-being of the wounded male inner child in her own village. Nor is she concerned with helping the other male inner selves (inner selves) who live there.

In a way it's as though she is carrying within her the resentment of 40,000 years of male domination. Typically her attitude is one of justifiable resentment against all men.

Punishing the male inner child

To punish a male, any male is her way of avenging this. By itself, the fact that the wounded inner child is a male may be sufficient reason to apply pain or punishment. Certainly the matriarch specialises in punishing male inner children in nearby villages. However, as this article explains, her worst punishments are often applied the wounded inner child who lives inside her own inner village. Perhaps this is because she has a precise knowledge of that individual child, what aspects about him of are the most wounded and therefore the most likely to feel the punishment. In other words she knows exactly where the stick her knife.

These are not ordinary inner selves (or inner selves)
In summary this suggests that the inner matriarch inside a man and the inner patriarch inside a woman are each very different from the other inner selves (inner selves) . Most inner selves talk about how they are trying to protect the inner child in some way. When you talk to these characters they don't express any concern for the inner child in their resident village. They do, howver,  express scorn or criticism but not in a constructive way. On the other hand they may express a strong concern for the problems "this village" is causing for someone else's village!

All this suggests that the Inner matriarch and Inner patriarch are much more like what is described as "carried or refugee inner selves (inner selves) ". 
There are many different kinds of carried inner selves (inner selves) . The inner matriarch and inner patriarch are only two such characters. Carried inner selves (inner selves) really belong in another village, that is inside another person. How they get into your village and what they are doing there is explained in more detail on the page Refugee or Carried inner selves (inner selves)

Common characteristics of Both Inner Patriarch and Matriarch

Wherever they live or work, inside men or women each individual inner matriarch or inner patriarch possesses three common characteristics, that emphasise their lack of loyalty to the village:

In a way thatís understandable, since they don't really belong in this village. If  these self-empowering events occur, the inner matriarch and Inner patriarch are going to lose some of their power in the village.

Inner matriarch inner patriarchs do not support personal growth, self-awareness or self empowerment in an individual.

The patriarch and matriarch can also get involved in relationships between parents and children. In a typical scenario one of the children, usually the eldest child, has a strong inner matriarch or inner patriarch who tries to undermine the power and self-esteem in one of the parents.

  • Ted explained to me how he had grown up living with a mother who had three different husbands. None of his step-fathers were grown up emotionally and neither was his mother, at the time. So, quite quickly Ted became the "little grown up" in the family. In time it got to the stage where he was literally parenting his mother each time she went through to another relationship break-up. Deep down inside Ted resented having to do this, particularly as he had no choice. And this meant that inside him his inner patriarch was growing stronger and stronger, and in its typical pattern was trying to set up fixed rules that would force his mother to "grow up" and relieve Little Ted of his burden.

  • Ted did not have any success getting his mother the change, but the efforts by his inner patriarch completely destroyed the friendship between him as an an adult man and his mother. Again, there is a happy ending to the story. Once Ted and his mother could what both these characters inside them were doing, they were able to take all four of them off the case. And of course it was only after this, that his mother for the first time was actually able to start doing some serious growing up.

    Inner matriarchs and Inner patriarch's do not want to see people developing closer grown-up friendships

    If itís a man and a woman, these inner selves donít want them to get close enough to share love and trust and intimacy On the other hand they may support same sex friendships (as long as people donít get too close) particularly if one of the outcomes is to help isolate males from females.

    For example, it's the inner matriarch in women and the inner patriarch in males who like to organise pre-wedding male-only and female-only parties of the kind that are likely to harm intimacy and trust between the couple before they marry.

    Jane told me about just how much damage had occurred as a result of a pre-wedding party given by her girlfriends, where she had, as she put it, "gone too far" with a male stripper, hired for the occasion. When she discovered that her husband Paul had also "gone too far" with a female stripper at his pre-wedding "bucks" party the scene was set for an extremely destructive flight in which their two Inner Matriarchs and their two Inner Patriarchs were major players. The outcome was a cancelled wedding, but fortunately once the four real villains of the piece were identified, things got back to normal again. Jane and Paul learned a very valuable lesson about what these four characters inside them were like and the damage they could do.

    Couples in conflict

    Matriarch/Patriarch induced conflict is most common in couples in which, sad to say, bottom-line issues such as self-esteem, boundaries, power and control are still unresolved in one or both partners. However, understanding the four-way battles between the two Inner Matriarchs and two Inner Patriarchs is a very positive step in helping people deal with their very worst and most damaging fights, the kind that often lead to the end of the relationship.

    As the case study below  unfolds you will begin to see how these four characters are the critical players in one of the most toxic forms of fighting that can occur between people, but in particular a man and woman.

    If you already have had lots of experience working with your inner selves (inner selves) you might wonder why is it that when these four characters start fighting it has a far more serious effect than usual? After all, the characters who live and work so hard in our Inner village (inner selves) often have fights. Often it's one of yours fighting with one of mine. Just as often it's some of my opposite characters inside me fighting among themselves.

    You might also wonder why something as significant as this isn't easy enough to notice while it is going on so that you could quickly put a stop to it.

    One of the answers, as usual is because during the fight, we are not in awareness. While the fighting is in progress we are under the control of these four particular characters, and we are unable to move higher up on to our Awareness Hill and see clearly what is going on.

    And now the good news

    Until I can get back up on the hill again, I will fail to notice the most important feature of these battles, and the feature which is also the key to ending them. This key is the realisation that the most destructive battle is not as we might think, between one person' s patriarch and other person's matriarch. The worst battles are not even happening between any of his and her characters. 

    They are taking place inside each person's own inner village!

    So the first good news is that you can stop wasting time and energy trying to get the other person to make the changes in their village that you imagined would help stop the fighting. The second good news is that once you have grasped this, it becomes much, much easier to make real changes. Why? Because it is always much much easier to make changes inside your own inner village. You might also notice that the less you pressure another person to change the easier it is for that other person to make their own changes inside their own inner village, while you are working inside yours.

    The next bit of good news is about what happens once you uncover the real battle and identify which of the four "Matriarch/Patriarch" characters inside you are really doing the greatest damage. This makes it possible for you to start doing something really practical about preventing the fighting, the pain, the loss, the devastation and the destruction, often before it happens.

    So the aim of what is written here is to identify which of the four characters are the real antagonists, why they are doing the most damage, where and inside whose village you will find them, and what you can do to halt their destructive behaviour.

    Probably the best way to start is to look at the case study. It's our old friends Jack and Jill who manage to have most of the fights that we use the case studies, and right now, Jack and Jill are at it again!

    For a start it may seem difficult to recognise the specific pattern, that is to see what is really happening, compared with what Jack and Jill by themselves think is happening. If you can see what they can't see you have the key to understanding this kind of fight when you get involved in it.

    Once you up on the hill you are out of the fight

    Once you can do this you have managed to get up somewhere on an Awareness Hill, even if it's only Jackís Hill or Jill's Hill for a start. If you can do it for them you'll soon be able to get up on your own hill as well. And the higher you get up Awareness hill you further away you are from these destructive fights.

    Case study:

    Jack and Jill are at it again.

    Jack and Jill have a close and intimate relationship but they are not living together yet. The way things are going this is looking less and less likely in the future.

    Jill values neatness and tidiness in her home and her office. When I asked Jack about it he told me that Jill:
    " Ö.worries far too much about tidiness. She could be having fun relaxing, instead of wasting time with all this tidying up and organising."

    On the other hand I understand that Jack is a somewhat disorganised person. Jill told me that he is:
    "Ö.. horribly untidy. Everywhere that you look at in his home is a mess!"

    Last week, Jill went over to Jack's house to stay the night. Both of them were looking forward to a romantic evening. But almost as soon as she arrived there, Jill found herself becoming upset about the state of the house. She tried to bottle up her feelings but finally they spilled over.

    "Jack, Darling" she said, trying her hardest to sound pleasant, loving and caring, "if you can't manage to tidy this place up why don't you let me come over and do it for you?"

    Notice that Jack's response is not nearly as pleasant. Jack has been triggered and as a result he is not trying to be very loving or caring.

    "Because," answers Jack, "you are far too fussy about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find anything! In fact, you would probably throw away half my really important stuff. I am much better organised than you give me credit for, because when I want something I don't have to go looking for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way I like it, and that's the way it is going to stay!"

    The tone of Jack's remarks did not go down too well with Jill who was immediately triggered into a more intense and more personal response, which we will go into below.

    After a few more exchanges and with each one getting progressively more and more hurtful, an awful fight developed.. Jill stormed out and went home. Jack phoned her later at 2:00 am and told her he was ending the relationship. Jill in the heat of her pain and anger told him she thought that was a very good idea. Then they both said some very hurtful things to each other about how it was totally the other personís fault and hung up.

    That was three weeks ago and since then both Jack and Jill had been ignoring each other and at the same time both suffering terrible emotional pain. Finally, it was Jill who suggested they come and see me in case there was something that could be done to rescue the relationship.

    Note: The story is a mixture, combining the critical features of many real-life cases that I have worked with. If it rings true for you it is probably because it is very similar to what happens to almost any couple who find themselves in a fight as bad as this.

    Jack's and Jill's key issues

    From previous stories about Jack and Jill you may remember that Jack has a lot of issues around anyone he thinks is trying to control him. Remember that you and I already know that Jack certainly is a bit untidy in his house. This is one of his ways of unconsciously resisting a sense of being controlled by other people. But otherwise, in his job for example, Jack is quite a well-organised person. However, in an attempt to appear more organised, he has a tendency to handle many of the significant issues in his life according to "rules". He then expects others to follow the same rules when it comes to their significant issues. And that suggests that his inner patriarch is involved in this.

    And Jill has a lot of issues about being abandoned or rejected. So she can tend to be a bit of a controller when she is with other people, although she would describe it as just being "helpfully directive". Underneath you can guess that when Jill is "directing" people she might also be trying to stop them from abandoning or rejecting her. Which suggests that Jills' inner matriarch gets a bit involved in this.

    On the surface

    All these life issues add fuel to further energise Jackís and Jillís four "Matriarch/Patriarch" inner selves (inner selves) . However, the real villains are not the two inner selves who at first seem to be the ones responsible for the fight.

    First let us take our look at what's happening on the surface then we will dig a little deeper to discover the real role that each character is playing and the energies involved (which became stronger and stronger as the fight develops.)

    The higher you go up the hill and look down you more you will be able to see this and discover what is really going on. I hardly need to point out that neither Jack nor Jill were spending much time in awareness during their fight. So they wouldn't notice the four characters who had taken over and were really running the show and they certainly would not notice which two were the real villains working behind the scenes.

    Looking under the surface

    If you go back and look at Jill's initial comments when she arrived at Jack's you will remember that she was trying to sound sweet and caring But there was an underlying energy in her words that reflected the typical pattern of an "Inner Matriarch".

    The archetypal Inner matriarch when it is active in a woman likes to suggest (with just a hint of scorn) that men are typically less capable than women, they need a woman to guide them, to tell them what do. And they often carry with this energy a broad hint that the man should be very grateful for this kind of control and accept it without question.

    Keep in mind that Jillís Inner Matriarch was already present and was reacting to Jack's untidy house before she spoke. When a woman speaks in a matriarchal tone this quickly triggers a chain of events in the man she is speaking to. Notice how this Matriarchal energy is reflected in Jill's opening words:

    "Jack, Darling" she said, trying her hardest to sound pleasant and caring, "if you can't manage to tidy this place up why don't you let me come over and do it for you?"

    So, on the surface it would seem as though her matriarch was directly responsible for triggering Jack's patriarch. It's very easy to think this because the man's patriarch appears on the scene so quickly, but there is actually one important step in between, even if it only takes a micro-second to pass.

    On the surface we notice that Jack responds with an archetypal Patriarchal reply. Inner patriarchs regard women as typically illogical, unable to see things clearly and in need of a man who can point this out. Inner Patriarchs like to have rules, made by men of course They also like to deliver judgements based on their rules. And they have a sense of unquestioned entitlement in their right tell women about these judgements, and the belief that women should willingly accept this kind of control.
    Anyway in this case here we can see Jack's Inner patriarch helping Jack protect his vulnerability with its typical patriarchal energy.

    "Because," answers Jack, "you are far too fussy about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find anything! In fact, you would probably throw away half my really important stuff. I am much better organised than you give me credit for, because when I want something I don't have to go looking for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way I like it, and that's the way it is going to stay!"

    But, that's only the first round in the battle.

    On the surface Jill (who feels judged and criticised by Jack's patriarchal tone of voice and attitude towards her) has little choice other than to defend herself. The only way she knows to do this is to move further into her matriarchal energy. Her matriarchal response is to explain to Jack that he only "thinks he's organised" whereas she knows better. Notice that she tries to do this "very carefully" like a mother explaining something to an irresponsible little boy. But matriarchs don't understand or care about the fragile side of male self-esteem.

    The second round

    On the surface when it is his turn Jack finds himself feeling angry. This is a sign that his Inner patriarch is already taking over and is moving into heavier attack and criticism.

    Notice the use of the typical patriarchal word "stupid". And the typical patriarchal energy in the phrase " Ö it's logical not to let you have any part in tidying my house because of your obvious inability to think logically, analytically and clearly."

    So if that's what happens in round two what can we expect to see on the surface in round three? More of the same. These interactions usually continue through three or four cycles with each one getting progressively worse as each patriarch and each matriarch uses stronger and stronger negative strategies to try and force the other person to give in. 
    Regardless of who gives in first, when it finally happens the person who surrenders first usually experiences feelings of "devastation" and deep emotional wounding.

    Identifying the characters who are really doing the damage

    Generally both people also experience a sense of greatly heightened vulnerability, because it seems to them as though one of their most powerful protectors (for example Jill's matriarch) is being defeated by the other person's protector (in this case Jack's patriarch). It is a simple enough assumption from there to decide that the guilty character,  the one responsible for all the pain in hurt, is inside the other person.
    However the "winning" person usually doesn't feel much better. To them it seems as though they have also taken severe punishment from the other personís Matriarch or patriarch.. And to make things more complicated they may also be struck with a sense of guilt for the pain that their partner is feeling. But they still make the assumption that it must be the other person who is responsible for "making" them feel so bad.

    And that is a major mistake and one that can by itself destroy a relationship!

    As we look deeper you will find that neither of these two assumptions about who is to blame is accurate.

    What is really going on in the village?

    Everything that we have described already as it appears to be happening "on the surface" would be familiar to you. What I am now about to explain will not be as familiar and takes a little time to understand. However once you can see what is really going on behind the scenes and under the surface you will have the key to ending these awful fights (In psychological jargon they are known as "negative bonding patterns" but "an awful fight" is perhaps a more accurate  description.) See separate pages on negative bonding patterns.

    On the surface it appeared as though the main activity involved Jack's Inner patriarch attacking Jill, her inner selves and in particular the one who spoke, that is Jill's Inner Matriarch. And in turn it appeared as though the main activity from Jill's side was about her Inner matriarch attacking Jack, his inner selves and particularly the one who spoke to her, his Inner patriarch. 

    Yes it's true that they were the characters doing the talking, but this was not the main activity in the village! Two other far more powerful players were at work and these were the two who were really doing the most damage.

    Let's go back and have another look at the start of the fight. Is there something we missed?

    "Jack, Darling," said Jill, trying her hardest to sound pleasant and caring, "if you can't manage to tidy this place up why don't you let me come over and do it for you?" Obviously, there's more than a hint of her matriarch in her choice of words, but it's certainly itís not a really a heavy attack on Jack.

    Yet the intensity in Jack's response tells us that he felt as if "something" (which he thought was inside Jill) was attacking and criticising him in a very negative way. The painful reality is that this "something" left Jack feeling quite hurt and vulnerable. And that is the something that caused him to attack Jill. But what was that "something" and where did it come from?

    It wasn't something inside Jill at all. 

    It was actually Jack's own Inner matriarch who was attacking him and criticising him. The reason he felt so hurt and vulnerable was because she was aiming directly for Jackís most vulnerable spot - his wounded inner child - Little Jack!

    What is really going on

    So, now for the first time we have a hint about what is really going on. This is a typical case and it's close to what happens for almost everyone who gets into a fight. Your Inner matriarch, and mine "feed" on even relatively mild critical or judgemental messages from someone else's Inner Matriarch. As they feed they get bigger and stronger. And then they attack from the inside. In this case, the pain, the vulnerability, the shame and the hurt feels so bad to Jack because:

    1. As it feeds, his Inner matriarch gets stronger and as it grows its amplifies Jill's original criticism five to 10 times. This means it has a much greater negative effect on Jack than Jill ever intended.

    2. The character that is really attacking Jack is his own Inner matriarch who has been with him since childhood and she knows how best to trigger his deepest pain and vulnerability. She has been beating him up about his untidiness all his life. She is delighted to have found a supporter in Jill's Inner matriarch who can feed her with new things to beat Jack up with.

    3. Jack initially feels powerless and emasculated about his untidiness. He feels like a judged and criticised little boy. He would love to be tidy but his matriarch keeps telling him that he is an untidy person and that he will always be this way.

    4. Jack's Inner Child, "little Jack" is reminded of the times when he was a small boy and the way he was shamed and punished severely by his mother for his untidiness. He is reminded of the times when his own mother, and his grandmother as well, told him that he would "always be untidy".

    No wonder that Jack reacts to Jill's comments. Unknowingly Jill's choice of words echoed far too closely what his Inner matriarch has been telling him all his life..

    But that is only the beginning of what is going on. 

    Something has to happen to protect Jack (and his Inner Child "Little Jack") from these negative feelings. And who better than his Inner patriarch? 

    Because you are watching all this from outside, you can appreciate why Jack's patriarch flies to the rescue. However, it delivers a response that is out of proportion to Jill's initial comment. Neither Jack, nor his patriarch, have any idea at this stage that it is his own Inner matriarch who is attacking him and causing him to feel like a vulnerable child. Believing that the real attack is coming from Jill, they focus on the more easily observed external source, which in this case appears to be her and her matriarch.

    "Because," Jackís Inner patriarch replies, "you are far too fussy about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find anything! In fact, you would probably throw away half my really important stuff. I am much better organised than you give me credit for, because when I want something I don't have to go looking for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way I like it, and that's the way it is going to stay!"

    Yes, that is certainly a patriarchal statement, but notice how its energy level is going up. Jack's patriarch is not responding to Jill's original statement. Jack's patriarch is reacting to the amplified message from Jack's own Inner Matriarch.

    How is this going to affect Jill? We canít see what is really going on inside Jill but it would be something like this.

    Jillís Inner patriarch receives the critical judgemental message from Jackís Patriarch, feeds on it, amplifies its and then proceeds to attack Jill from the inside! (Just as Jack's Inner matriarch did to him.)

    The vulnerability, the shame and the hurt feels so bad to Jill, because:

    1. Her Inner patriarch amplifies Jackís original criticism five to 10 times so that it has a far stronger negative effect on Jill than Jack ever intended.

    2. This is her own Inner Patriarch who has been with her since childhood and who knows how best to hurt her who is the one who is actually punishing her, beating her up about her over-controlling nature and her lack of logic all her life. He is delighted to have found a supporter in Jackís Inner Patriarch.

    3. Jill feels ashamed, abandoned and unloved and starts to blame herself because she is "too controlling" and "not logical enough". She would love to be more relaxed, forget about being logical and let Jack just be who he is in his own home. But as long as her Patriarch keeps telling her that she will always be an illogical "silly" yet overly controlling woman she cannot relax.

    4. Jillís Inner Child, "little Jill" is reminded of the times when she was a child and the way she was shamed and punished severely by her Father for being a "little bossy boots". She is reminded of the times when her father told her that she would "always be a controlling woman and that no man would want her because of it". (He used to emphasise to her how silly she would be to let that happen.)

    Jillís reaction is opposite to but not very different to Jackís. For a start her Inner Matriarch stays hidden and she moves into the "ashamed child" position as she cops the full on attack of her own Inner patriarch. And remember it's HER patriarch who is responsible for 80% to 90%  of the pain she is feeling . Remember that Jill said she was sorry. That was her Inner child reeling from the attack from the inner patriarch. But this lasted for only a moment.

    Something has to happen to protect Jill (and her Inner Child "Little Jill") from these negative feelings. And who better than her Inner Matriarch?

    Because you are watching all this from outside, you can appreciate why Jill's matriarch flies to the rescue. However, it delivers a response that is out of proportion to Jack's initial comment. 

    Just like Jack, neither Jill, nor her matriarch, have any idea that it is her own Inner patriarch who is attacking her and causing her to feel like a guilty child. Believing that the real attack is coming from Jack, she focuses on the more easily observed external source, which in this case appears to be Jack's patriarch.

    Jill's matriarch, if you remember tried to explain to Jack, very carefully that perhaps he wasnít quite as organised as he thought.  Notice there is quite a bit of subtle matriarchal energy creeping in. Then Jill warms to her theme as her Inner Matriarch takes over. It did this, of course to release Jill from the vulnerability she felt, when her Inner Patriarch reminded her of her real fatherís criticism and her childhood pain. and when she fell into her ashamed child position moments earlier

    And to reduce the pain that Jillís inner child, Little Jill is feeling, Jillís matriarch goes on the warpath.. Having explained to Jack, very carefully that he only "thought he was organised", she then points out, as matriarchs like to do, that most of Jackís friends didn't respect him because of the state of his home. It was Jillís matriarch who suggests that this was why so few guests turned up last time Jack organised a party at his place. And it couldn't resist pointing out that many more friends had turned up at Jillís place last time she had a party. Matriarchs have a not very subtle way of making their point and inducting feelings of shame or guilt at the same time.

    And keep reminding yourself of what Jackís matriarch is going to do to him with this new information!

    From here on the cycle is repeated but each time the negativity and judgement are being amplified on both sides. Backwards and forwards the battle rages.

    Jackís inner Matriarch feeds on each new round of criticism from Jillís Matriarch.

    Jillís inner Patriarch feeds on each new round of criticism from Jackís Patriarch.

    Each time Jack is reminded of his childhood, he feels ashamed, but by now things are moving very quickly. Each time it only takes a moment before his Patriarch comes in to defend wounded and ashamed Little Jack.

    And that is when Jack starts feeling real patriarchal anger. His patriarch delights in pointing out just how "stupid" Jillís argument was about the party guests, explaining in detail that his party was only for associates from work whilst hers was for personal friends. At this point Jackís Patriarchís attack becomes more personal. It explains how Jill has now shown herself to be lacking in logic and the ability to stick to guidelines.

    "So, of course, itís only logical," says his Patriarch, "not to let you, Jill have any part in tidying Jackís house because of your obvious inability to think logically, analytically and clearly," (after all she had proved her lack of logic with her comments about the guests and the parties).

    At this point, Jill has no idea of what is really going on inside her but her emotions are flipping back and forth from ashamed child to Critical Inner Patriarch to angry Matriarch. Such a mixture of fury, resentment, pain and shame all at the same time is a highly inflammable mixture. And the whole time she thinks it is Jack who is doing this to her.

    Jack's words remind her again of what her father used to say to her when she was a little girl about her inability to think clearly. Jill knew even then that it wasn't true, just as she knows in her mind that Jack's words are not true either. But in the state she is in she canít deal with so many mixed up feelings at the time, so she storms out of Jack's house and goes home, leaving (all but four) of the characters in his and her inner villages feeling very sad and abandoned.

    Jack found himself feeling a great deal worse over the next couple of hours. The more that he thought about it the worse these feelings became. He too was now boiling over with his own inflammable mixture of conflicting feelings. Some of the time he felt overwhelmingly devastated and a deep emotional pain inside him as though a dagger had been plunged into his heart. At other times he just felt so judgemental and so angry. 

    Guess which character in Jackís village is not at all unhappy with the way things have turned out? A voice inside kept getting louder and louder telling him to ring Jill right now and inform her that, because of her extremely unpleasant attitude towards him, their relationship is finished. It was of course Jack' s Inner patriarch giving him the kind of advice it specialises in giving. 

    Meanwhile, Jill couldn't sleep, she still felt very angry about what Jack said to her. But her strongest feeling was a sense of pain and powerlessness about not being able to get the man she loved to understand her point of view. That was what really hurt Jill the most. She felt so "stupid" not being able to do this. 
    Can you guess which character in Jillís village is not at all unhappy with the way things are turning out? After a while Jill hears a voice inside her telling her it wasnít her fault. It was Jackís insensitive, unfeeling nature (and his untidiness) and she could never expect these things to improve. The only way to protect herself from a future filled with similar repeats of the hurt and pain was to end her relationship with Jack now. This was, of course the voice of her own inner matriarch, giving the kind of advice that Inner matriarchs specialise in giving.

    It was just at this time, around 2:00 am that Jack phoned and in an angry (patriarchal) voice told Jill that he had decided to end the relationship. And since that matched up with what Jill's matriarchal voice was telling her at that moment, it seized the opportunity to agree with him. While she was at it her matriarch let fly with another round of negative judgement about Jack, his behaviour, his untidy house, his immaturity and more of the same.

    And Jackís patriarch, who had nothing to lose, fired back, with more negative judgement and criticism about Jill. Not only had she shown herself to be unable to think clearly. Jack's patriarch had more to add of a very personal nature to prove her "inability to stick to the rules". She was overweight, she was uncooperative as a lover. It even brought her morals into question! (Jill had confessed that once, long before she knew Jack, she had an affair with a married man.)

    It's hard to say which of the two slammed their phone down first, attempting to be the one who hung up on the other, but it was probably a dead heat. That was three weeks ago and since then both Jack and Jill had been ignoring each other and that the same time both suffering terrible emotional pain.

    So, what can you (and Jack and Jill) do about it?

    The first step is to build a protection system for the inner child. This means bringing  two new and very strong  charters into the village. These two characters are not present in the average village, they need to be "inducted" from outside. And they need to be powerful and aware enough to match the power of the old Matriarch and Patriarch. How this happens is explained in the following pages:

    Inner Mother and Inner Father - the Induction Process

    Example of Inner parent induction - Inner father

    See also 

    Carried inner selves (inner selves) - "refugees" from someone else's village

    Choosing Between Personal and Impersonal Channels

    Personal and impersonal styles in a relationship

    The second step is to lower the energy of the Inner Patriarch and the Inner Matriarch inside you. This is a bit more complicated and it seems as though the only way it can be accomplished successfully is to use the power of the new Magic Inner Mother and Magic Inner Father. (Articles to come on this) 


    Feedback - please e-mail  me John Bligh Nutting -   at   bligh3@growingaware.com


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